CMS BoxMuncher, Jake From State Farm, Uncategorized

Week 6 Game of the Week

kamp-and-jacob

Childhood Rivals

Obviously, a matchup between 5-0 Visbara and red-hot Andy should be match of the week, but with both having been involved in this column in recent weeks and the Mike vs. Brett matchup looming in week 7, I chose to pull a Monday Night Football and schedule the second best game for matchup of the week. This one should be no slouch though as two childhood rivals face off in their first ever fantasy football matchup. Jake from State Farm is rolling with dominating wins of Lopatin and Kanz in back to back weeks, and if you ask GM Jordan Kamphuis about CMS BoxMuncher (I still can’t believe that is an actual team name), you would think they are undefeated. In actuality, both teams are 2-3, but are tied for first in their division (sigh…).

Key Matchup: What more could you want in a matchup than the #1 overall pick and #1 WR Antonio Brown going against the #2 overall pick and #8 WR in Julio Jones. Pre-draft, GM Jacob Lee was debating between the two superstar receivers, if he had gone the other direction and chosen Jones, there would be an awkward moment for Kamp with his Julio jersey (maybe you’ve heard about it). If either of these receivers can explode for 35+ points which they are certainly capable of, that could go along way towards winning the very important matchup.

Jacob should worry if: Running back LeGarette Blount falls back into his typical slump when Tom Brady plays. In the 4 games that Brady was suspended for to start the season, Blount averaged 88 yards a game and had 4 touchdowns, and proved to be a viable asset for JFSF. But in past years, Blount’s performance has been dicey at best when Brady has been in the lineup due to their “run through the air” philosophy. In the 12 games Blount played in 2015 with Brady, only 2 of those weeks did he eclipse that 88 yards mark, and only scored in 4 of the 12 games. For Jake’s sake, he hopes Blount has turned over a new leaf in 2016.

Kamp should worry if: His running-backs are a no show in week 6. Eddie Lacy is hurt, and has only gotten over 10 fantasy points once this season. Terrance West has played well since taking over as the workhorse back in Baltimore, but many believe the rookie Kenneth Dixon is poised to take some of the work in the near future. And Ryan Matthews has performed well, but is in a time share with 3 other backs in Philadelphia, so who knows how much work he will get. This running back core will make or break CMS Boxmuncher’s week against Jake from State Farm.

Jacob will grin to a point of awkwardness if: The New Orleans defense continues to be historically awful. With stud Receiver Kelvin Benjamin going against the Saints this week, there is potential for a career game which would be so instrumental for GM Lee. New Orleans has given up an average of 18.7 points to an opposing wide receiver this season, and with Benjamin being the only receiver in town for Carolina, this is a perfect storm for another breakout game.

Kamp will grin to a point of awkwardness if: The game in Seattle between the Seahawks and the Hawks ( Kamp refuses to learn that Atlanta is actually the Falcons even though he has a jersey of theirs) turns out to be a shootout. With the star receiver for both teams on CMS Box Muncher, a shootout would be ideal for Kamp as it would create the potential for great games for both Julio Jones and Doug Baldwin.

The part where I predict exactly what the Projection says: Jake wins 153-141.

Power Rankings, Uncategorized

Week 5 Power Rankings

Beerio Kart

Fantasy football and Beerio Kart clearly are more similar than they are not. They are both what you would think just should friendly competitions but in reality are the greatest of competitions that truly measure the value, strength, and greatness of a man.
Just like in beerio kart though, there seems to be only 4 players playing in this league.

1. Demarco Depolo – Royal Raceway

The best race of them all compares greatly to Depolo. It requires skill, thought, and a little luck to be the best at. Depolo has all three going for it right now. The skill to pickup Stafford and luck, the thought of starting Jeremy frickin kerley, and the luck of getting demarco in like the 8th round. This race is always built around the final jump and drifting through the last couple turns. For Polo, that is the playoffs games they are just dying to play in. Anything short of a lightning bolt(lack of WR play) wont stop this team.
Depolo getting some heat for the top spot, but still continues to produce and keeps the top spot.
2. Return of Simba –  DK’s Jungle

The similar just a little less exciting DK Jungle takes the number 2 spot. DKs jungle also has a big jump, some key drifting, and a dark cave where the true champions make moves.
There is no real short cuts on this race, you just have to be a complete racer to do well here. Simba seems to be a complete team, clicking on all cylinders right now. Simba is excited to go into a first lap cave in week 7 and come out as top team in the league.

3. GR Chodes – Wario Stadium

Just like the chodes, Wario Stadium is long and big and dark. This race was underrated B in the D but now, just like the chodes, is considered a favorite. The key to this race is snagging that lightning bolt early and holding the power. The chodes seem to have done that with Matty Ice and Zeke. Unfortunately for the chodes, the team right behind them is the items bitch of all items bitches. Look out for a ghost or even a first place star.

4. Hurricane Ditka – Boswer’s Castle

Just like Boswer’s Castle, Hurricane Ditka is a handful if you aren’t ready for it. Its the last race in the best of all the circuits. Just like for Hurricane it was important to get off to a hot start here as coming back is almost impossible. There are a few places to trip up but it usually comes down to the best 2 races around the final loop. We know Ditka is confident. Just not sure what they are more confident in.
5. Jake From State Farm-  Koopas Beach

Koopas Beach is the kind of place where you can start slow but quickly get back in the race.
That is exactly was JRSF has done this year. In almost no time, the Farm has gone from a winless team to one win away from a first round bye. JFST got blessed with 3 mushrooms of A brown, derrick carr, and Kelvin Benjamin. They look to use them all and grab first place.

6. Justin Tucker – Kalahari Desert

You know what it is. Very easy comparison here. Its the type of race that doesn’t really matter how you start but how you finish. The key here is just not getting to far out of the lead for the last lap. JT got through the tough part of playing with Brady and Gronk and will now be looking to use his late star and lightning bolt to sneak in and grab a first bye per usual. Just need to watch and make sure they drink all their beer.

7. Everton Hawkeyes – Sherbet Land

Sherbet land plays the role of underrated just as the hawkeyes are right now. These teams are both defined as penguins defending there cave. For Everton, this is clearly a metaphor for the WRs needing to carry the team and protect the playoff berth. For sherbet land it is quite literally penguins sliding across the entrance of the cave to protect their fellow penguins who are very busy walking around continuously walking around ice posts. Big dumb stupid penguins.

8. GR Titty Skunks – Luigi Raceway

The first race of the game compares greatly to the new team on the block. It looks like a simple easy race, when in reality the best of strategies need to be used to be successful.
Luigi Raceway defines what kind of racer you are going to be. For the skunks right now they are looking like a resilient team that can bounce back from the worst of loses. They will be looking for their star in the tunnel to sneak in a grab first place. The skunks seem to have so much confidence they are willing to fire their green shells in the tunnel. Why? Because shooters shoot.

9. CMS Box Muncher – Yoshi Valley

What place are you in? Good team or bad team? Julio or Baby Julio? Confusing or Confucius? Yoshi valley and CMS box muncher both give more questions than answers at this point. We won’t really know til the end. But in the meantime, its a hell of a time and very fun to watch.
10. Emhagerd Dehnerd – Rainbow Road

ED went for the shortcut on the first lap and missed miserably. Luckily Denherd still has 2 more laps to get back in the race. But if Derherd cant stick the big jump like the teams owner can hammered, twice in a row, while on the phone, than they will be in for a long, boring, miserable year of constantly getting eaten by chomper and getting useless red shells in last place while no one is in reach.

11. DBT – Chaco Taco

Ah Chaco Taco. An old time favorite. Maybe because it is named after a great ice cream truck treat or maybe because it happens during an exhilarating boulder slide. Its a race you used to think was fun until you constantly lose over and over again until you literally can’t race anymore. But eventually you will get that win. Its almost impossible not too.
And after you get that huge inspirational win you realize, Chaco Taco still isnt really that good of a race.
12. The Dogs – Toads Turnpike

The worst of them all. Just not a fun race at all and even less fun if you suck at it. Getting behind here is deadly as it is almost to impossible to amount any kind of comeback.
The only chance for the Dogs is a flawless last two laps and everyone else racing to just constantly get ran over by cars over and over and over again. Too bad this league is not full of ameratuer. But for now, it looks like the dogs are the only ones getting run over.

Uncategorized

Week 5 Wrap Up: Behind the Numbers

As week 5 concludes, the league still has yet to take much shape. Below are the Couches Elite Official Stats to date by team. Follow along as I make some scientific as fuck conclusions.

Point Breakdown by Week & Team

week-5-points

Records if Everybody Played Everybody Each Week

week-5-records

Now that we’re five weeks in, we’re starting to see who the good teams are, teams who have had fluky weeks, and the teams that desperately need to do something or else they may die.

  1. The Dogs are struggling

stuggling-dog

Above: Fantasy Owner Justin Novack stuck in a swing after drinking heavily while watching his team this season.

The Puppies have really struggled to muster up much fight so far this season. If they played everybody every week, they’d have three wins. And fucking 52 losses. If this team wasn’t the puppies I’d think our whole league beating up his team. But Puppies are great and hopefully his team can grow into dogs soon otherwise they may have a standardized test at obedience school in the near future.

2. DePolo’s are good

demarco-depolo

Pictured: Owner Brett Reardon’s professional headshot. Source: LinkedIn

His team would be 42-13. Averaging 2 points better per week, but adjusted average of 9 points higher than second place. This dynasty is in good shape for the future.

3. Simba has Returned

Simba.png

Above: Owner Mike “Viz” Visbara flexing on some hoes.

Simba. 5-0. He’s a grown-ass lion. Detroit could use him. With a big win in the spotlight this week, Simba has another marquee match-up against the Red-Hot Chodes. The Chodes and Justin Tucker are the only two teams who would have winning records against Simba.

We’ll see if the league can take a little more shape this week with some crucial match ups ahead. Good luck this week (except for Kyle).

Cheers.

Uncategorized

Week 5 Game of the Week

carston-and-visbara

Undefeated No More

In a league where most of the teams are garbage and only 3 of the 12 teams are above .500 (Yes, Seriously), a Week 5 matchup of undefeated teams is a welcome surprise. I thought about making the Jacob vs. Kanz matchup the game of the week, but I think you could not watch all of Sunday, and still not miss many fantasy points in that one. Hurricane Ditka vs. Return of Simba is the best matchup of the season thus far. Both teams are similar in that they have won quite a few close games. Carston has lead his team to 3 victories in which his team was a very average 6th or 7th highest scoring team in the league (Also, #1 in week 2). Visbara has had his team skating by in a similar fashion including winning a game in week 1 where he was the 8th highest scoring team. But as a certain GM once told me “The only team that counts is the one i’m going against this week”, look for a great matchup between these two well coached teams in Week 5.

Key Matchup: It has got to be the tight ends. Jordan Reed finally broke out of his shell in Week 4, catching 2 touchdowns from Redskins QB Captain Kirk and adding 9 receptions for 73 yards, giving ROS a much needed 28.3 fantasy points and moving Reed into his rightful spot as the #2 TE in Fantasy. This week, Reed plays a stout Ravens defense where the game is almost positively going to end in a weird 18-10 score. The Ravens have only given up 5.2 FPPG to opposing Tight Ends, so it could be tough sledding for Reed and Visbara. Hurricane Ditka brings Kyle Rudolph to the battle (who just had twins on Tuesday night, congrats to him on the sex). Rudolph has been a pleasant surprise this season as he has become a favorite target of QB Sam Bradford. He is averaging 14.8 FPPG this season and has done it in consistent fashion. WIth Rudolph playing the Texans, who have been equally as stout against opposing Tight ends as the Ravens ( Both teams have only given up 5.2 FPPG to opposing Tight Ends), it could be tough sledding for both star tight ends. Whichever one can overcome the difficult matchup, should give their fantasy teams a big edge in the matchup.

Carston should worry if: David Johnson does not start out the week on Thursday night with a good performance. Ditka has been carried a bit by their superstar running back who is averaging just over 20 fantasy points per game. With a matchup against a depleted 49ers defense, and with no Carson Palmer playing for the Cardinals, if Johnson doesn’t get off to a hot start, it would be seen as a big disappointment.

Mike should worry if: The perceived best defenses in the league are legit for another week. With Mike having matchups against the Vikings, Broncos, Eagles and Texans, it would be bad news for Simba if these defenses continued their trend of being fantasy killers throughout the first quarter of the season. Hell, even Matt Prater is going against the Philadelphia special teams unit who have been the NFL’s 2nd best against opposing kickers.

Carston will grin to a point of awkwardness if: The Texans and Vikings end in a 0-0 tie. With Will Fuller and Stefon Diggs dueling it out in Minneapolis, and the Hurricanes having minimal stake in the matchup, it would be ideal if there was as little scoring as possible

Mike will grin to a point of awkwardness if: Carston’s experiment of Deandre Washington turns out to be a complete failure. With Latavius Murray expected to miss this game against the Chargers, Ditka is taking a shot by playing the Raiders primary backup without any real knowledge of if he can play. And with the league’s #6 RB Isaiah Crowell sitting on Carston’s bench, it is a bold play to say the least.

The part where I predict whatever the Projection says: Mike wins 155-146

Power Rankings, Uncategorized

Week 4 Power Rankings

NFL Counterparts.

So while we are all very in to fantasy football and the corresponding greatest 7 hours of commercial free coverage of Redzone on Sunday, there are actual NFL teams playing actual NFL games that matter almost as much as our weekly matchups. And in this crazy NFL they actually root for their whole team to due well and not just their QB to throw TDs(as long as he is not throwing to a specific receiver on the opposing fantasy team) and not INTs (unless its your Dfense and they return it for a touchdown). So heres to comparing NFL teams to actual teams that mean something.

  1. Demarco Depolo  – Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings and Depolo are both very well known for there crazy old days. One had two stud receivers who had huge personalities and fake mooned the crowd while the latter peed in public while walking, blacked out frequently, and actually mooned the crowd while doing a naked lap (and giving high fives). But now both the Vikings and Depolo are both sophisticated teams with stud running backs and a classy guy leading up the squad. Both continue to stay undefeated and looking the part the cement their place on top.  But man do we sometimes miss those Randy Moss days.

2. Return of Simba – Philadelphia Eaglets.

The Eaglets and Simba are really starting to grow up. Both are led by rookie qbs and young exiting WRs. Simba and the Eaglets are both teams we keep expecting to lose but just don’t. While the Eagles weren’t in the super bowl like last year,  one specific owner in our league believes they should have been. Simba and Philly will run into a little adversity when Romo comes back into play, but until then Simba looks like a top notch team.

3. Hurricane Ditka – Daaaaa Broncos

Why the Broncos? Because Hurricane is the last undefeated team and so are the Broncos. Not that hard to figure out. But why they are similar….. Because they both won it all last year.  Im just kidding…… I have no idea who won the super bowl last year (I pulled an old school Depolo at halftime for those that weren’t there). But I do know Hurricane did not get a sniff of it. But this year could be different. The Broncos are again looking like super bowl contender and Ditka has a complete team ready to compete for that beautiful trophy. And they both have Demarius Thomas.

4. Grand Rapids Chodes – Hotlanta Falcons

Just like the High Flying Falcons, the Small Chubby Chodes are putting up huge offensive numbers. Both these teams were somewhat disappointing last year even with big time players, but now both squads have seemed to turn it around. Only problem for the Chodes in no Julio, but Matt Ryan does have jordy and crabtree to throw too for the chodes. The falcons logo is a whole lot less disturbing to look at than the chodes though. Honestly just stare at it for 10 seconds, its super distrubing.

5. Justin Tucker – Dallas Cowboys

Now the patriots would have easy comparison, Brady, Gronk… JT does not have Belicick coaching it. No JT has more of a big ego, old school, difficult owner like Jerry Jones. But both Jerry and Justin have very good teams this year. Both teams have done well with there backup QBs and are certainly making their owners wonder if they need their starting QB back or if it will mess up the current team chemistry. Maybe both owners should consider trading their QBs. Just food for thought.

6. CMS Box Muncher – LA Rams

LA is basically an expansion team like CMS and some how both have got off the great starts even with terrible first games and horrid QB play. Its hard to keep discounting them as both seem to have some sort of destiny around them. Ok im tired of talking about the rams. Julio Julio Juilo Juilo Juilo Julio Julio Juilo Juilo Juilo Julio Julio Juilo Juilo Juilo Julio Julio Juilo Juilo Juilo Julio Julio Juilo Juilo Juilo Julio Julio Juilo Juilo Juilo Julio Julio Juilo Juilo Juilo Julio Julio Juilo Juilo Juilo.      Ok thats better. 50 points. What a stud. CMS better give a huge shout out to these power rankings for calling out Julio last week and awakening the beast.

7. Jake From State Farm – Carolina Panthers

Now these were two teams that were actually in the finals last year. The Farm got to regain their star from last year and the Panthers got to bring back the leage MVP. Both were looking for similar years. But the Farm Panthers have gotten off to very uninspiring starts. It just seams like a matter of time until they wake up and return to last years form. But hopefully for JFSF they won’t have to do it without their star like the Panthers.

8. Emhagerd Dehnerd – Arizona Cardinals

Just like the Cardinals, ED was early Super Bowl Favorites after coming off disapointing playoff loses. But 1-3 starts have called for concern and questioning. The QBs are getting old have not been living up to what they need to be and the defense has been getting torched. But both have some wily verterans leading the WR core and great young RBs leading the team. It has to be just a matter of time until they turn it around. But if they don’t it will be a huge disappointment.

9. Everton Hawkeyes – Washington Redskins

Both Everton and the Skins took advantage of weak divisions last year to make the playoffs. This year has been a little tougher for each. Thats about all the similarities I got. They were the last playoff team to not look like a playoff team this year. The skins are doing it with a QB that can’t throw. The Hawkeyes are having huge disappointing weeks from the WRs that were studs to start. The hawkeyes are actually much more like the two teams they are named after. Unfortunately the Hawkeyes almost the same amount of losses as the Iowa brothern. But on a positive note they have one more win than the team they share a city with. And this is a valuable lesson in kicking someone while they are down.

10. Grand Rapids Skunk Titties – Detroit Skunk Titties

It pains me to write this one, but after the skunks first 2 loses how can you not see the comparison. The Titties owner is from a good sports town that makes the playoffs and actually wins championships. A lot of them. So it just seems right that by moving to Michigan, the Skunk Titties feel the pain all us Lions fans have felt for so long. Don’t worry Titties, you will become numb to it soon. Just give it time.

11. The Dogs – Tampa Bay Bucs

The Dogs, like the Bucs like to reminisce about there championship back in like 02. Ill give it to them, they were sick teams, Brooks, Sapp, Lynch, Barber, Keyshawn. But man we are a long time from that. Now both are bottom dwellers who can’t seem to bring back the good old days. They are also both led by very similiar outspoken QBs who give very inspirational speeches. Unfortunately Gruden is not coming back to save either of these teams. This is a sunken pirate ship.

12. Dumb Bald Turkeys – Cleveland

Easiest one of the day. Not even comparing them to just the Browns but the whole landfill of a city itself. Just a team that is very hard to look at. You almost start feeling bad for the place. Almost. They each have one championship built on a ton a disappointing and terrible seasons. Unlike the actual city though, Lebron James is not walking through the door to come save the Turkeys. These guys will be all gobbled up by Thanksgiving.

 

 

Everton Hawkeyes, Grand Rapids Chodes, Uncategorized

Week 4 Game of the Week

ben-and-andy

Battle of the Dokks

It’s a crucial game for both members of the matchup of the week as both teams are 1-2 and are certainly hoping that they do not need to climb back from a 1-3 hole to make the playoffs. It also just so happens that the matchup is between two brothers. Andy Vandokkumburg leads the Grand Rapids Chodes as they take on Ben Vandokkumburg who is the head man for the Everton Hawkeyes. Both are bringing in capable teams as the Hawkeyes and Chodes rank 4th and 6th in the league in total points scored, but both teams have found themselves in the 1-2 scenarios for far different reasons. Andy had the unfortunate scheduling of having to play Brett and Bs (combined record of 5-1) in weeks 1 and 2, while Ben, after putting up an astonishingly high 199 points in week 1, has seen his team falter the past 2 weeks with the 7th and 11th highest scores. It is crucial for the players on both squads to perform at the highest level, as both the Chodes and Hawkeyes are capable of putting up elite scores.

Key Matchup: Ben Roethlisburger vs. Trevor Simeon. Both “Rossburger” and Simeon have had an up and down season so far in 2016. For Simeon (who B. Dokk dropped the Brock Lobster for), he lead the league in QB points last week, but he is still Trevor Fucking Simeon, so who knows if that can continue against the Buccaneers in week 4, even though Tampa Bay’s defense has been playing like a pack of puppies as of late. Roethlisburger plays the Chiefs who picked off Ryan Fitzpatrick 6 times in last weeks “gun show”, Whichever QB can put together the better week could prove huge in deciding who wins this week.

Ben Should Worry If: The New Orleans defense continues their trend of giving up an average of 138 rushing yards per game to opposing running backs. Andy brings in recently traded for Melvin Gordon to this juicy matchup with the Saints, and seeing how Gordon received 87% of the snaps last week (his only week playing without Danny Woodhead), it could get ugly for the Saints defense and cause problems for the Everton Hawkeyes

Andy Should Worry If: Odell Beckham Jr turns his game around and gets back to his elite form. OBJ hasn’t been bad per say. But with only 15 fantasy points per game and no touchdowns in 2016 so far, it could get much better for B. Dokk and the hawkeyes.

Ben will grin to a point of awkwardness if: The listed worry above comes true, and OBJ still remains the third best receiver on Everton’s team. So far this season, Willie Snead and Larry Fitzgerald have been B. Dokks best receivers as they rank 19th (playing only 2 games) and 7th respectively. Fitzgerald has come a long way since he was the guy everyone hated having on their fantasy team. He now is 3rd amongst Wide Receivers in redzone targets and has hit pay dirt 3 times so far in the early parts of 2016. Snead is a breakout candidate after having games of 33.2 and 16.4 points the first two weeks. If they can continue their production, Ben’s receiving core will continue to be best in the Couches Elite League.
Andy will grin to a point of awkwardness if: Anquan Boldin continues to vulture touchdowns. After having TD’s each of the last two weeks (and having another come back because of penalty), the oldest, slowest receiver is becoming a viable fantasy option. With Andy giving Boldin the start in week 4, he will be a critical part in the Chodes success. Add in the fact that the Lions get to play a porous defense in Chicago, and there could be plenty of touchdowns to steal.

The part where I predict whatever the Projections say: Ben wins 153.9 – 145

Power Rankings

Week 3 Power Rankings

Buy or Sell?

Through 3 weeks only 4 teams have winning records. These power rankings will sort the squads in to 4 groups and look at whether or not we are buying or selling at there current price.

Top Stocks

1. DeMarco DePolo – Price:$100

DePolos team is looking as good as the commercial the squad is named after. This team is built on a stable foundation with Demarco as the number 1 back in the league, and Todd Gurley finally breaking out of an early slump.   Add in 2 top 6 QBS in Luck and Stafford and you got your self a number 1 team. Also never go to sleep on oldie but goodie DeSean Jackson. High price but safe investment here.

Buy

2. Justin Tucker – Price $88

JTs price went down from last week due to the loss this week. But that loss was to the top dog. That loss also happened with Gronk in the starting lineup and only playing one play. That loss also happened with Tom Brady still suspended. Now is definitely the time to buy JT as there price may not get any lower.

Buy

3. Hurricane Ditka  Price $86

Hurricane prices continues to go up as the team continues to win. Backed by  David Johnson, Hurricane as pulled out 3 wins in the first 3 weeks. But there are some concerns to the investors. First off Marvin Jones in the #1 receiver right not. Can that continue? As a lion fan no I know for sure it can’t. Also both QBs are outside of the top 12. DT finallly had a bad game but we still aren’t buying Sieman. And Charles may never come back to #1 RB status. Price is just too high right now.

Sell

 

4. Return Of Simba Price $78

Simba is full of young talent that just will not lose. They have quietly got off to a 3-0 start. Freeman finally does his best 2015 Freeman impression to pull out a Simba. While the 3-0 start is great there are some question marks. Without Marshall, the wide receviers lack an true leader. The QBs are very questionable. If you are a gambler you would buy this team based on the young talent. But we are not.

Sell

 

Mid Stocks

5. Everton Hawkeyes Price: $56

Big Price drop for the 1-2s. Everton is top of the mid stocks with a lot of points scored. The price took a huge drop after a loss do a bottom feeder.  But the Hawkeyes learned a valuable lesson that they will not forget. DONT SIT CARLOS HYDE. The pride and joy of everton had to watch the hawkeyes lay an egg while being a healthy scratch. Almost seems like Everton was tanking on purpose. Maybe insider trading? Collusion?  Seriously it doesnt make sense? Why sit Hyde?

Buy

6. Emhergerd Dehnerd  Price: $54

Wildcat. Emhergerd was channeling its favorite player with some beautiful wildcat QB powers for TDs. Unfortunately for the squad, just like Dehnerd those exciting QB TDs usually came with Ls to any team with a pulse. With Rogers on a bye this week and Dez possibly hurt, Pryor will the Best QB and WR on the team. But now for good news. Laveon Bell is back which means we are definitely…….

Sell

7. The Chodes Price : $51

The Chodes finally got a much deserved win.  Jordy finally got back to being Jordy and the combo of Zeke and Gordon at RB gives a great young 1-2 punch. Add in a the number 2 QB who throws the the best wider receiver in the league in Ben Roth… I mean Matt Ryan and you have yourself a squad. Also a great TE in Kelece, the only benefactor in the game officially dubbed as the “Gun Show” but more on that later. Much like my Roth IRA, we dipped early but just as I guaranteed Carston, its nothing to worry about.

Buy

8. Skunk Titties Price :$49

Just like the Chodes, the skunk titties finally got a much deserved win. Unlike the chodes, the skunks had there head stuck in Coke can for the first two weeks. Thankfully for the skunks, Emmanuel Sanders pulled that dumb can right off the skunks and unleashed the titties. The skunks do have one of if not the best QB in netwon. Also some solid receivers in Decker, Jeffrey and Sanders. But the skunks relied on 32 points from chiefs D and have no good running backs. We are putting that coke can right back on the skunks.

Sell

 

Low Stocks

9. Jake From State Farm Price: $32

JFSF has an a unfortunate schedule to start the year. Every team they have played has been in the top 3 the week after beating the Farm. But the RBs have been improving with Blount and Ingram. Carr is a solid QB and if (i know a big if) Wilson can get back these QBs are very dangerous. Obviously can’t do a power ranking without talking about the boy Brown. With bell back, things should open for brown a little. This a a very easy decision for the investors.

Buy
10. CMSBox Muncher Price :$29

O Boy was the sunday game of the week offically dubbed “The Gun Show”  a huge disappointment. Fresh off the huge game shotgun jets QB was poised for another huge game. The turnaround QB Smith was looking to feast on a defense that Tyrod taylor just got done torching. And then the impossible happened. Smith accounted for 13.2 of the combined 10.2 stats. Yeah thats not a typo.(mgoblog gave me the idea for this so this is my mla cited reference). O and Steelers Dfence got -4 points as well. And lets just get it out there. Julio has not been producing like a guy you would buy a jersey of. But the investors believe in Julio. They believe in Doug and Mike. And of course they believe in the emergence of Fleendaddy. Looking to make a lot of money on this one.

Buy

 

Penny Stocks

 

11. The Dogs : $10

Say it aint so the Dogs won a dang game. And like the coach said if they win this week thats two in a row. And if they win next week then that is called….well lets not get crazy. But allen robision is starting to pick it up. Miller continues to be solid. Tanehill is putting up sneaky good numbers. I don’t know if its because I watched a Jamesis speech to help me get through this power rankings but dammit Im a believer now. We ACC but we gonna make SEC money with this investment.

Buy

 

12. Return of the Dumb Bald Turkeys : $7

This team can call its self whatever it wants but it will always be remembered for the 2 year stretch from 2014 to 2015. Climbing the ladder all the way to the top and only to fall to the rock bottom the following year. 2015 was a year of controversy for the the Dumb Bald Turkeys, but they competed hard to start and took the loss like a true sportsman and with much respect from fellow league owners. This year is a different story though. No built in excuses for whatever this sorry bunch of players calls itself. I dont know if its due to moving away or the traumatic experience of the ACT (and yes I realize this team has a win over the writer of the power rankings), but this team is not the Dumb Bald Turkeys we all loved and remember. So we are definitely selling this stock until the ownership can turn this team around and start acting like the beautiful specimen the squad was initially named after. The league is a better place with a competitive turkey team.

 

Sell