Playoff Bracket: Semi Finals


CMS BoxMuncher, Do the Sanky Leg, Ermahgerd Dehrnerd, Everton Hawkeyes, Grand Rapids Chodes, Grand Rapids Skunk Titties, Hurricane Ditka, Jake From State Farm, Kooper's Klux Klan, Playoffs, Return of Simba, Return of the Dumb Bald Turkeys, Team Novack, The Dogs, Uncategorized

Playoff Watch: Week 10

Changes this week:

  • Carston and Visbara switched spots in the #4 and #5 spots.
  • Kanz has been officially eliminated from the playoffs.
  • Brett has clinched a playoff spot
  • Jay and Lopatin are still in it, but cannot afford another loss, and need lots of help.

**This is a Vin Scully approved bracket, nothing on this list is speculative. This is purely factual and is in no way predicting the end of season results (Because I just don’t understand why anyone would do that).


CMS BoxMuncher, Do the Sanky Leg, Ermahgerd Dehrnerd, Everton Hawkeyes, Grand Rapids Chodes, Grand Rapids Skunk Titties, Hurricane Ditka, Jake From State Farm, Kooper's Klux Klan, Playoffs, Return of Simba, Return of the Dumb Bald Turkeys, Uncategorized

Playoff Watch: Week 9

Changes this week:

  • Kamp and B. Dokk exchanged spots yet again.
  • A. Dokk jumped into the #3 spot and overtook the most points in the league.
  • The ever-changing first round bye in the ACT Bracket welcomed a new member, Lopatin’s injuries are starting to catch up to him.

**This is a Vin Scully approved bracket, nothing on this list is speculative. This is purely factual and is in no way predicting the end of season results (Because I just don’t understand why anyone would do that).


CMS BoxMuncher, Jake From State Farm, Uncategorized

Week 6 Game of the Week


Childhood Rivals

Obviously, a matchup between 5-0 Visbara and red-hot Andy should be match of the week, but with both having been involved in this column in recent weeks and the Mike vs. Brett matchup looming in week 7, I chose to pull a Monday Night Football and schedule the second best game for matchup of the week. This one should be no slouch though as two childhood rivals face off in their first ever fantasy football matchup. Jake from State Farm is rolling with dominating wins of Lopatin and Kanz in back to back weeks, and if you ask GM Jordan Kamphuis about CMS BoxMuncher (I still can’t believe that is an actual team name), you would think they are undefeated. In actuality, both teams are 2-3, but are tied for first in their division (sigh…).

Key Matchup: What more could you want in a matchup than the #1 overall pick and #1 WR Antonio Brown going against the #2 overall pick and #8 WR in Julio Jones. Pre-draft, GM Jacob Lee was debating between the two superstar receivers, if he had gone the other direction and chosen Jones, there would be an awkward moment for Kamp with his Julio jersey (maybe you’ve heard about it). If either of these receivers can explode for 35+ points which they are certainly capable of, that could go along way towards winning the very important matchup.

Jacob should worry if: Running back LeGarette Blount falls back into his typical slump when Tom Brady plays. In the 4 games that Brady was suspended for to start the season, Blount averaged 88 yards a game and had 4 touchdowns, and proved to be a viable asset for JFSF. But in past years, Blount’s performance has been dicey at best when Brady has been in the lineup due to their “run through the air” philosophy. In the 12 games Blount played in 2015 with Brady, only 2 of those weeks did he eclipse that 88 yards mark, and only scored in 4 of the 12 games. For Jake’s sake, he hopes Blount has turned over a new leaf in 2016.

Kamp should worry if: His running-backs are a no show in week 6. Eddie Lacy is hurt, and has only gotten over 10 fantasy points once this season. Terrance West has played well since taking over as the workhorse back in Baltimore, but many believe the rookie Kenneth Dixon is poised to take some of the work in the near future. And Ryan Matthews has performed well, but is in a time share with 3 other backs in Philadelphia, so who knows how much work he will get. This running back core will make or break CMS Boxmuncher’s week against Jake from State Farm.

Jacob will grin to a point of awkwardness if: The New Orleans defense continues to be historically awful. With stud Receiver Kelvin Benjamin going against the Saints this week, there is potential for a career game which would be so instrumental for GM Lee. New Orleans has given up an average of 18.7 points to an opposing wide receiver this season, and with Benjamin being the only receiver in town for Carolina, this is a perfect storm for another breakout game.

Kamp will grin to a point of awkwardness if: The game in Seattle between the Seahawks and the Hawks ( Kamp refuses to learn that Atlanta is actually the Falcons even though he has a jersey of theirs) turns out to be a shootout. With the star receiver for both teams on CMS Box Muncher, a shootout would be ideal for Kamp as it would create the potential for great games for both Julio Jones and Doug Baldwin.

The part where I predict exactly what the Projection says: Jake wins 153-141.

Power Rankings, Uncategorized

Week 5 Power Rankings

Beerio Kart

Fantasy football and Beerio Kart clearly are more similar than they are not. They are both what you would think just should friendly competitions but in reality are the greatest of competitions that truly measure the value, strength, and greatness of a man.
Just like in beerio kart though, there seems to be only 4 players playing in this league.

1. Demarco Depolo – Royal Raceway

The best race of them all compares greatly to Depolo. It requires skill, thought, and a little luck to be the best at. Depolo has all three going for it right now. The skill to pickup Stafford and luck, the thought of starting Jeremy frickin kerley, and the luck of getting demarco in like the 8th round. This race is always built around the final jump and drifting through the last couple turns. For Polo, that is the playoffs games they are just dying to play in. Anything short of a lightning bolt(lack of WR play) wont stop this team.
Depolo getting some heat for the top spot, but still continues to produce and keeps the top spot.
2. Return of Simba –  DK’s Jungle

The similar just a little less exciting DK Jungle takes the number 2 spot. DKs jungle also has a big jump, some key drifting, and a dark cave where the true champions make moves.
There is no real short cuts on this race, you just have to be a complete racer to do well here. Simba seems to be a complete team, clicking on all cylinders right now. Simba is excited to go into a first lap cave in week 7 and come out as top team in the league.

3. GR Chodes – Wario Stadium

Just like the chodes, Wario Stadium is long and big and dark. This race was underrated B in the D but now, just like the chodes, is considered a favorite. The key to this race is snagging that lightning bolt early and holding the power. The chodes seem to have done that with Matty Ice and Zeke. Unfortunately for the chodes, the team right behind them is the items bitch of all items bitches. Look out for a ghost or even a first place star.

4. Hurricane Ditka – Boswer’s Castle

Just like Boswer’s Castle, Hurricane Ditka is a handful if you aren’t ready for it. Its the last race in the best of all the circuits. Just like for Hurricane it was important to get off to a hot start here as coming back is almost impossible. There are a few places to trip up but it usually comes down to the best 2 races around the final loop. We know Ditka is confident. Just not sure what they are more confident in.
5. Jake From State Farm-  Koopas Beach

Koopas Beach is the kind of place where you can start slow but quickly get back in the race.
That is exactly was JRSF has done this year. In almost no time, the Farm has gone from a winless team to one win away from a first round bye. JFST got blessed with 3 mushrooms of A brown, derrick carr, and Kelvin Benjamin. They look to use them all and grab first place.

6. Justin Tucker – Kalahari Desert

You know what it is. Very easy comparison here. Its the type of race that doesn’t really matter how you start but how you finish. The key here is just not getting to far out of the lead for the last lap. JT got through the tough part of playing with Brady and Gronk and will now be looking to use his late star and lightning bolt to sneak in and grab a first bye per usual. Just need to watch and make sure they drink all their beer.

7. Everton Hawkeyes – Sherbet Land

Sherbet land plays the role of underrated just as the hawkeyes are right now. These teams are both defined as penguins defending there cave. For Everton, this is clearly a metaphor for the WRs needing to carry the team and protect the playoff berth. For sherbet land it is quite literally penguins sliding across the entrance of the cave to protect their fellow penguins who are very busy walking around continuously walking around ice posts. Big dumb stupid penguins.

8. GR Titty Skunks – Luigi Raceway

The first race of the game compares greatly to the new team on the block. It looks like a simple easy race, when in reality the best of strategies need to be used to be successful.
Luigi Raceway defines what kind of racer you are going to be. For the skunks right now they are looking like a resilient team that can bounce back from the worst of loses. They will be looking for their star in the tunnel to sneak in a grab first place. The skunks seem to have so much confidence they are willing to fire their green shells in the tunnel. Why? Because shooters shoot.

9. CMS Box Muncher – Yoshi Valley

What place are you in? Good team or bad team? Julio or Baby Julio? Confusing or Confucius? Yoshi valley and CMS box muncher both give more questions than answers at this point. We won’t really know til the end. But in the meantime, its a hell of a time and very fun to watch.
10. Emhagerd Dehnerd – Rainbow Road

ED went for the shortcut on the first lap and missed miserably. Luckily Denherd still has 2 more laps to get back in the race. But if Derherd cant stick the big jump like the teams owner can hammered, twice in a row, while on the phone, than they will be in for a long, boring, miserable year of constantly getting eaten by chomper and getting useless red shells in last place while no one is in reach.

11. DBT – Chaco Taco

Ah Chaco Taco. An old time favorite. Maybe because it is named after a great ice cream truck treat or maybe because it happens during an exhilarating boulder slide. Its a race you used to think was fun until you constantly lose over and over again until you literally can’t race anymore. But eventually you will get that win. Its almost impossible not too.
And after you get that huge inspirational win you realize, Chaco Taco still isnt really that good of a race.
12. The Dogs – Toads Turnpike

The worst of them all. Just not a fun race at all and even less fun if you suck at it. Getting behind here is deadly as it is almost to impossible to amount any kind of comeback.
The only chance for the Dogs is a flawless last two laps and everyone else racing to just constantly get ran over by cars over and over and over again. Too bad this league is not full of ameratuer. But for now, it looks like the dogs are the only ones getting run over.


Week 5 Wrap Up: Behind the Numbers

As week 5 concludes, the league still has yet to take much shape. Below are the Couches Elite Official Stats to date by team. Follow along as I make some scientific as fuck conclusions.

Point Breakdown by Week & Team


Records if Everybody Played Everybody Each Week


Now that we’re five weeks in, we’re starting to see who the good teams are, teams who have had fluky weeks, and the teams that desperately need to do something or else they may die.

  1. The Dogs are struggling


Above: Fantasy Owner Justin Novack stuck in a swing after drinking heavily while watching his team this season.

The Puppies have really struggled to muster up much fight so far this season. If they played everybody every week, they’d have three wins. And fucking 52 losses. If this team wasn’t the puppies I’d think our whole league beating up his team. But Puppies are great and hopefully his team can grow into dogs soon otherwise they may have a standardized test at obedience school in the near future.

2. DePolo’s are good


Pictured: Owner Brett Reardon’s professional headshot. Source: LinkedIn

His team would be 42-13. Averaging 2 points better per week, but adjusted average of 9 points higher than second place. This dynasty is in good shape for the future.

3. Simba has Returned


Above: Owner Mike “Viz” Visbara flexing on some hoes.

Simba. 5-0. He’s a grown-ass lion. Detroit could use him. With a big win in the spotlight this week, Simba has another marquee match-up against the Red-Hot Chodes. The Chodes and Justin Tucker are the only two teams who would have winning records against Simba.

We’ll see if the league can take a little more shape this week with some crucial match ups ahead. Good luck this week (except for Kyle).