Best/Worst Starts, CMS BoxMuncher, Everton Hawkeyes, Grand Rapids Skunk Titties, Jake From State Farm, Terra Verde, The Dogs, Week 1

Best and Worst Starts of Week 1

This weekly writeup is about those types of players who could have easily been on the bench, but played a critical role in a victory, or those that dropped an egg for a team when they could have really used a good performance. There will be no praising of Julio Jones’ 29 points because of course he was in for the Bald Turkeys. Nor will we include a guy like Greg Olsen for getting hurt. These are guys that are reasonably iffy starts, where either the right or wrong decisions were made. Here we go:

Best Starts of week 1:

Kenny Stills – Kamp: He may have only had 4 catches, but Kenny Stills still (pun intended) went for over 100 yards and two touchdowns on his way to 27.6 points. It is a little unfair since he had over 7 hours to achieve these goals, but I digress. Kamp could have started Jamison Crowder in his slot and no one would have blinked an eye, but since he made the right decision to start Stills, he had a much easier time convincing himself that Julio Jones doesn’t exist. Stills played well enough to get Kamp an early lead before Jacob’s improbable comeback (more on that later). We can safely assume that the Stills jersey is on his way to Holland as we speak.

Dion Lewis– Ben: Peyton Barber was the hot story heading into week one because Ronald Jones had quite possibly the worst preseason in the history of the NFL. Ben was able to avoid the temptation and play Dion Lewis, who was in a time share to start the year. He certainly could have dokk’d out on this one and made the wrong choice, but he stuck to his guns and Dion gained him 22 points compared to Barber’s 6.9. I may or may not have chosen him just so I can include the following picture.

Dion and Henry Huge and Tiny.jpg

Randall Cobb – Jacob: Of course he did. Randall Fucking Cobb scored 30.2 points against the Bears in the miraculous comeback on Sunday night. Jacob could have started Mike Wallace who scored 0 points on Thursday, but that should never be considered because Cobb and Rodgers are intent on ruining our lives. It’s not like Cobb did anything special, because the Bears are intent on allowing him to be wide fucking open in the middle of the field when it matters most every time they play a competitive game. Cobb’s performance forced us Bears fans to relive this, and for that, he should burn in hell. That is all. Oh, and I still hate Chris Conte.

Worst Starts of Week 1:

Jay’s WR’s – Jay: I will typically reserve this article for individual players, but this was unbelievable for me. Jay had 7 WR’s on his roster in week 1. He decided to play Allen Robinson, Sterling Shepard, and Marquise Goodwin (who admittedly was hurt). There was no shame in doing this, except for the fact that all four of his receivers on the bench outscored all three of them. Seriously. There are 35 different combinations of players Jay could have chosen to play in his 3 WR slots and he literally picked the worst option.

LeGarrette Blount – Lopatin: The Skunk Titties had 4 players on his bench who all scored 0 points last week, and the only one who didn’t was a second defense. So you might be thinking how he couldn’t possibly have made a wrong decision on who to start and who to sit given that scenario. Well, you would be wrong. LeGarrette Blount literally had 4 carries for -3 yards, amounting to -.3 points. Lopatin would have been better playing any of his FOUR guys who scored ZERO points than start Blount. Now we understand why he had to pay so much keesh on the waiver wire.

Jimmy Graham and the Bears D – O’donnel: You know, I learned along time ago when I was playing for Cicero in the 1980’s that the Bears have an absolute fantastic defense, and I know football. That’s why it was absolutely insane for our new GM to play Jimmy Graham (2.8 points) against the Bears, and NOT start their D (13 points). He must not be aware that Khalil Mack plays for them. Or he must not be that big of a fan. I’m willing to bet he won’t make that same mistake again.

Advertisements
CMS BoxMuncher, Do the Sanky Leg, Ermahgerd Dehrnerd, Everton Hawkeyes, Grand Rapids Chodes, Grand Rapids Skunk Titties, Hurricane Ditka, Jake From State Farm, Kooper's Klux Klan, Playoffs, Return of Simba, Return of the Dumb Bald Turkeys, Team Novack, The Dogs, Uncategorized

Playoff Watch: Week 10

Changes this week:

  • Carston and Visbara switched spots in the #4 and #5 spots.
  • Kanz has been officially eliminated from the playoffs.
  • Brett has clinched a playoff spot
  • Jay and Lopatin are still in it, but cannot afford another loss, and need lots of help.

**This is a Vin Scully approved bracket, nothing on this list is speculative. This is purely factual and is in no way predicting the end of season results (Because I just don’t understand why anyone would do that).

playoff-bracket-4

CMS BoxMuncher, Do the Sanky Leg, Ermahgerd Dehrnerd, Everton Hawkeyes, Grand Rapids Chodes, Grand Rapids Skunk Titties, Hurricane Ditka, Jake From State Farm, Kooper's Klux Klan, Playoffs, Return of Simba, Return of the Dumb Bald Turkeys, Uncategorized

Playoff Watch: Week 9

Changes this week:

  • Kamp and B. Dokk exchanged spots yet again.
  • A. Dokk jumped into the #3 spot and overtook the most points in the league.
  • The ever-changing first round bye in the ACT Bracket welcomed a new member, Lopatin’s injuries are starting to catch up to him.

**This is a Vin Scully approved bracket, nothing on this list is speculative. This is purely factual and is in no way predicting the end of season results (Because I just don’t understand why anyone would do that).

playoff-bracket-3

CMS BoxMuncher, Do the Sanky Leg, Ermahgerd Dehrnerd, Everton Hawkeyes, Grand Rapids Chodes, Grand Rapids Skunk Titties, Hurricane Ditka, Jake From State Farm, Kooper's Klux Klan, Playoffs, Return of Simba, Return of the Dumb Bald Turkeys, Team Novack, The Dogs

Playoff Watch: Week 8

Changes this week:

  • Visbara to the #3 Seed, Andy to the #4 Seed, Carston drops to #5.
  • Kamp and Ben switch playoff positions once again, this time, with the Hawkeyes entering the playoff picture.
  • Jacob falls to first round bye status in the ACT bowl with his recent slide, and wins by the Novacks.

**This is a Vin Scully approved bracket, nothing on this list is speculative. This is purely factual and is in no way predicting the end of season results (Because I just don’t understand why anyone would do that).

playoff-bracket-2

CMS BoxMuncher, Do the Sanky Leg, Ermahgerd Dehrnerd, Everton Hawkeyes, Grand Rapids Chodes, Grand Rapids Skunk Titties, Hurricane Ditka, Jake From State Farm, Kooper's Klux Klan, Playoffs, Return of Simba, Return of the Dumb Bald Turkeys, Team Novack, The Dogs

Playoff Watch: Week 7

Some minor changes took place after this week’s games.

  • Ben dropped all the way from first round bye to out of the playoffs after his porous performance in week 7. He hopes to rebound in Week 8 against current #3 seed Hurricane Ditka.
  • B’s jumps into first round bye territory as the leader in his division. Justin Tucker also took over as the league’s overall leading scorer.
  • CMS Boxmuncher entered the playoff picture with a big win over Kanz, with back to back wins, he hopes to continue this streak against Visbara next week.
  • Kanz and Jay switched spots in the ACT playoffs with Kanz falling to the #12 seed and earning himself a first round bye in a quest to improve on his ACT score from last season.

**This is a Vin Scully approved bracket, nothing on this list is speculative. This is purely factual and is in no way predicting the end of season results (Because I just don’t understand why anyone would do that).

playoff-bracket-1

CMS BoxMuncher, Do the Sanky Leg, Ermahgerd Dehrnerd, Everton Hawkeyes, Grand Rapids Chodes, Grand Rapids Skunk Titties, Hurricane Ditka, Jake From State Farm, Kooper's Klux Klan, Playoffs, Return of Simba, Return of the Dumb Bald Turkeys, Team Novack, The Dogs

Playoff Watch

It is about that time of the year, we are half way through the season, and it is time to start thinking about playoffs! Seeing as how everyone will be involved in some sort of playoffs, it is important to see how your team is doing in comparison to everyone else in the league. The playoff bracket as it currently stands is as follows.

**This is a Vin Scully approved bracket, nothing on this list is speculative. This is purely factual and is in no way predicting the end of season results (Because I just don’t understand why anyone would do that).

playoff-bracket

Everton Hawkeyes, Grand Rapids Chodes, Uncategorized

Week 4 Game of the Week

ben-and-andy

Battle of the Dokks

It’s a crucial game for both members of the matchup of the week as both teams are 1-2 and are certainly hoping that they do not need to climb back from a 1-3 hole to make the playoffs. It also just so happens that the matchup is between two brothers. Andy Vandokkumburg leads the Grand Rapids Chodes as they take on Ben Vandokkumburg who is the head man for the Everton Hawkeyes. Both are bringing in capable teams as the Hawkeyes and Chodes rank 4th and 6th in the league in total points scored, but both teams have found themselves in the 1-2 scenarios for far different reasons. Andy had the unfortunate scheduling of having to play Brett and Bs (combined record of 5-1) in weeks 1 and 2, while Ben, after putting up an astonishingly high 199 points in week 1, has seen his team falter the past 2 weeks with the 7th and 11th highest scores. It is crucial for the players on both squads to perform at the highest level, as both the Chodes and Hawkeyes are capable of putting up elite scores.

Key Matchup: Ben Roethlisburger vs. Trevor Simeon. Both “Rossburger” and Simeon have had an up and down season so far in 2016. For Simeon (who B. Dokk dropped the Brock Lobster for), he lead the league in QB points last week, but he is still Trevor Fucking Simeon, so who knows if that can continue against the Buccaneers in week 4, even though Tampa Bay’s defense has been playing like a pack of puppies as of late. Roethlisburger plays the Chiefs who picked off Ryan Fitzpatrick 6 times in last weeks “gun show”, Whichever QB can put together the better week could prove huge in deciding who wins this week.

Ben Should Worry If: The New Orleans defense continues their trend of giving up an average of 138 rushing yards per game to opposing running backs. Andy brings in recently traded for Melvin Gordon to this juicy matchup with the Saints, and seeing how Gordon received 87% of the snaps last week (his only week playing without Danny Woodhead), it could get ugly for the Saints defense and cause problems for the Everton Hawkeyes

Andy Should Worry If: Odell Beckham Jr turns his game around and gets back to his elite form. OBJ hasn’t been bad per say. But with only 15 fantasy points per game and no touchdowns in 2016 so far, it could get much better for B. Dokk and the hawkeyes.

Ben will grin to a point of awkwardness if: The listed worry above comes true, and OBJ still remains the third best receiver on Everton’s team. So far this season, Willie Snead and Larry Fitzgerald have been B. Dokks best receivers as they rank 19th (playing only 2 games) and 7th respectively. Fitzgerald has come a long way since he was the guy everyone hated having on their fantasy team. He now is 3rd amongst Wide Receivers in redzone targets and has hit pay dirt 3 times so far in the early parts of 2016. Snead is a breakout candidate after having games of 33.2 and 16.4 points the first two weeks. If they can continue their production, Ben’s receiving core will continue to be best in the Couches Elite League.
Andy will grin to a point of awkwardness if: Anquan Boldin continues to vulture touchdowns. After having TD’s each of the last two weeks (and having another come back because of penalty), the oldest, slowest receiver is becoming a viable fantasy option. With Andy giving Boldin the start in week 4, he will be a critical part in the Chodes success. Add in the fact that the Lions get to play a porous defense in Chicago, and there could be plenty of touchdowns to steal.

The part where I predict whatever the Projections say: Ben wins 153.9 – 145