ACTt Watch 2018: Week IDGAF

Live look at the matchup between Settlers of Saquon and Terra Verde Kissin TDs this week:



Playoff Watch: Week 6

What Could Have Been for B-Dokk

Ben was one win a way from a 6-0 start. One Cooper Kupp injury away from being 2 games ahead of the rest of the league. Instead, He is still the #1 seed, but he has the same record as Kanz and have three other league members only one game back. Ben needs to recover and get a big win this week or his early lead could go by the wayside. In other news, Lopatin and Kyle have switched spots in the bracket. Lopatin’s team is on a roll and if he gets Le’Veon Bell back soon, he would certainly have a team to reckon with. Kyle on the other hand has lost back-to-back weeks and have had the 3rd lowest scoring team over the last 4 weeks. He must find a way to improve his roster in order to get back into the playoff picture.

Playoff Watch Week 6


Playoff Watch: Week 5

The Have’s and the Havenot’s

After week 5, there seems to be separation amongst the league between those who are well positioning themselves for the post-season, and those who are close to needing this. In terms of actual numbers, Ben remains the lone Undefeated team, with Kanz right on his heels at 4-1. After that, there are 5 teams (Andy, Kyle, Jacob, Carston, and Bs) at 3-2 and are currently fighting it out for 4 playoff spots. On the other end of the spectrum, there are 4 teams sitting at 1-4, with each looking to make a comeback, but most importantly: avoid the first round bye in the ACT bowl. Lopatin is the lone league member sitting at 2-3 which positions him at a spot where he could easily make either bracket.

Playoff Watch Week 5


ACTt Watch 2018: Week 4

Sleeve God.jpg

(This photo of #SleeveGod and his veiny forearms is on the ceiling of my apartment and it is laminated*).

DISCLAIMER: I just had a diet Mountain Dew so look out fellas!

It’s been quite a few weeks. After Kanzikaze 2, where Kanz wrote about Trubisky and I with Stan-like obsession, I did some reflecting. Maybe in the next ACTt Watch I should probably explain to Kanz that a lot of the outward Trubisky excitement is irony. Since we’ve never met, I could see how this fine boyo thinks that I actually believed Trubisky was good, whereas the others know me to have decent football acumen and most of my diehard fandom is caricature. But instead of trying to explain to Kanz the concept of irony, Trubisky takes the sleeve he wears on his dongle, and puts it on his arm, thereby transferring the superpowers from BDM to the canon attached to his shoulder and he proceeds to drop 6TDs to 5 different receivers and stats like these:

I’m sure many of you are wondering, so OD – when will you pick up Trubisky and start him? As you noticed, when I dropped Maserati Mitch, he went off. Also, I lost and the Bears won. It would be unfair to say though that after the 6TD game I didn’t think about using all of my waiver money on #10God. But fandom before fantasy so… sign me up for the ACTt. And if anyone wants Jordan Howard so he can contribute to the Bears offense, you know you can press on my superstition to get him. Let’s get into our ACTt Watch after 4 weeks of play:

*It is laminated because I want to get it autographed… get your brains out of the gutter. But OD, wouldn’t you want the photo to be autographed before you lam – NO. It’s for the autograph and no other reason like protection from errant… uh.. debris. But OD, why is it on the ceiling directly above your – It’s on the ceiling so it can be kept safe. The fact that it is directly above where I sleep is pure coincidence.


(12) The Puppies (0-4)

Last week: Lost 134.5 – 152.6 to Hurricane Ditka; Lost 166.5 – 169.6 to Ermahgerd Dehrnerd.

Recap: Welp. When it rains it pours. Maybe it’s the time change? Your author has woken up at 10:01 a.m. on the West Coast and had many thoughts of “F—, I didn’t get a chance to stinker tinker.” Or maybe it’s just bad luck? If we look at the Ben chart Puppies has had some unfortunate matchups.

The Road Ahead: Pulling from memory, because last night in class the GR Chodes mascot was put in the group chat, but I think Jay is playing Andy. Whose season is already over so should be a nice mop up duty win.

American College Testing test Odds: I’ve seen bigger turnarounds before, but this one would be impressive. Whoever blinks first between Jay and Kamp could be well on their way. If this week doesn’t result in a win Jay, you might want to code a program at work that sets lineups for you. 3/1.

(11) CMSBox Muncher (0-4)

Last week: Lost 169.1 – 173.9 to Skunk Titties; Lost 126 – 212.1 to Settles of Saquon.

Recap: Tough one in Week 3 and in Week 4 he got lambasted. But OD, Kamp has the #1 WRs corps! Yeah and it’s working out about as well as you’d think.

The Road Ahead: I just moved from the gate to the plane and there is no longer internet. And there is no way I’m going back and editing this section for every one of you assholes. You all play someone in the league this week that you haven’t played yet.

American College Testing test Odds: I am going to try and clean up my posts a bit, even though you can pretty much write in your yearbook that you like D3’s and buttchugging and still get nominated to the Supreme Court. Jordan is a nice man who has nothing that allows me to write comically about him. 3/1.

(10) Return of Simba (1-3)

Last week: Lost 139.6 – 147.2 to Jake From State Farm; Lost 124.5 – 181.7 to Justin Tucker.

Recap: After what looked like a terrifying start, Simba has clawed his way out of ACTt range… for now.

The Road Ahead: See above.

American College Testing test Odds: Although he is 10th now, the last couple losses haven’t even been close. He’ll need a couple more wins to be safe from at ACTt. But he is a Terra Verde guy. So I have a feeling he’ll be ok. 4/1.


(9) Grand Rapids Skunk Titties (1-3)

Last week: Won 173.9 – 169.1 over CMS; Lost 175.4 – 184.2 to Jake From State Farm

Recap: Live look at Lop on Thursday night. I imagine that right now, Lopatin could give two shits what is going on in this league. TB12, Edelman, and Gronk are back together, and Gordon is on the field. Loptain is outside Gordon’s apartment right now with a bottle of lotion and bag of oils waiting to rub down his hamstring so he can finally run free on the AFC East. A word of advice to you Lop from my similar encounters with Trubisky: the hamstring is not located on their junk and they will get mad if you suggest as much. I know from experience.

The Road Ahead: See above.

American College Testing test Odds: Despite posting the 1-3 record, Lop is scoring really well. If he keeps that up he should be fine.  5/1.

(8) Terra Verde Kissin TDs (1-3)

Last week.


The Road Ahead: I will continue to be annoying about the Bears. Why? Because this doesn’t happen often. And I know the old saying, “act like you’ve been there before,” but you know what? That’s what Paterno said to his players when they celebrated after touchdowns. And we all saw how much of a POSs (piece of s— s—) he was. So I will enjoy every sacred moment we sit atop the North, while being fully aware that it will all end in heartbreak anyway.

American College Testing test Odds:  I will continue to bench my best players and make dumb trades to support the Swaggy Nagy regime. 8/5.

(7) Hurricane Ditka (2-2)

Last week: Won 152.6 – 134.5 over Puppies; Won 174 – 123.3 over OGDBT.

Recap: Carston (known as a nice guy), to the surprise of many kicked a puppy while it was down (which maybe he picked up this behavior after Ben and Carielle moved in the complex… has anyone seen Carielle lately? Is she okay?) and also took advantage of a Kanz squad that had many boyos on the bench or on a bye.

The Road Ahead: The fighting #10Gods.

American College Testing test Odds: Big week. A win should keep him off the ACTt line, an L keeps him in the conversation. 3 W’s should keep anyone off the line though. 5/1.


(6) Justin Tucker (3-1)

Last week: Lost 135.9 – 150.4 to Saquon; Won 181.7 – 124.5 over Simba.

Recap: When you have the king in your sights, you gotta pull the trigger. Bs had a shot at taking out Ben, but just couldn’t muster enough scoring. But as we expect of Bs, he always looks for the patch and bounced back with a dominant dub over Simba last week. Bs is the biggest G in the league, and he continues to move in silence like lasagna.

The Road Ahead: See above.

American College Testing test Odds: Like I said above, 3 W’s should be fine to stay off the ACTt line, and like I’ve said week in and week out: I want Bs off the line so he can bartend the ACTt pregame. 25/1.

(5) Ermahgerd Dehrnerd (3-1)

Last week: Lost 114.6 – 169 to GR Chodes; Won 169(nice).6 – 166.5 over Puppies.

Recap: Sucks to lose to a guy whose season is already over, but feels damn good to clutch one out over your brother.

The Road Ahead: See above.

American College Testing test Odds: These odds should be lower with the record he has so far, but the 114 point output is concerning. He also has Kamara though so… yeah. I hope if he wins the league he gets a Kamara jersey that he can wear next year when we host the draft on Labor Day in Vegas. 6/1.

(4) Jake from State Farm (3-1)

Last week: Won 147.2 – 139.6 over Simba; Won 184.2 – 175.4 over GR Skunk Titties.

Recap: Two wins by less than 10 points each. Jake shows his versatility and ability to win. He’s in a good spot to get to the playoffs and make a run at making a custom ring for himself. If he finishes last though, I vote he has to wear one of Jordan’s “rings” while he takes the ACTt.

The Road Ahead: See above.

American College Testing test Odds: Aside from Carston and his 25/8, 365 research, Jake probably has the most savvy football knowledge here. I think he’ll be fine. 20/1.


(3) OG Dumb Bald Turkeys (3-1)

Last week: Won 161.7 – 144.3 over  TVKD; Lost 123.3 – 174 to Hurricane Ditka.

Recap: Split two division matchups, went to Disney with a fine woman, and listened to Eminem.

The Road Ahead: Rocky Balboa in Moscow on Christmas Eve.

American College Testing test Odds: With Leveon Bell coming back, Kanz has to get rid of Conner fast. Looking good now, but the team built around the Steeler’s could start to fall apart if Big Ben can’t stay healthy and Bell takes over as the APB. Although it will be my fault for drafting everyone he would have drafted. 100/1.

(2) Grand Rapids Chodes (3-1)

Last week: Won 169(nice) – 114.6 over ED; Won 188.4 – 176.5 over TVKD.

Recap: Won twice. Season over.

The Road Ahead: Doesn’t matter. Season is over.

American College Testing test Odds: Because, you know. 1/1.

(1) Settlers of Saquon (4-0)

Last week: Won 150.4 – 135.9 over Justin Tucker; Won 212.1 – 126 over CMSBM.

Recap: Ben made a really cool and neat graph.

The Road Ahead: Undefeated.

American College Testing test Odds: Unless injury hits his squad soon, like this weekend, this guy will be pouring Admiral Nelson in someone’s face in a few months. 100/1. 



Week 4 Stats

We’re 4 weeks in and the league is starting to take shape. This post pretty much will just show you the stats and rank against everyone else in the league with a couple adjustments. I’m not going to point very much out. These are just facts and you can make the conclusions you want with them you dumb animals.

This table below is pretty straight forward. Adjusted AVG means your average score minus your highest and lowest weeks. The background colors in the cells are who everybody played that week. Green text means win, red means loss.

Week 4 Stats

This table below shows how you would have done this week vs everybody else. It reads left column vs top row. Later shows what your record would be vs everybody else as well. Week 4 H2H WL

This next table is everybody’s record vs everybody in the league. It’s kind of hard to read (not sure if you can zoom in on your phone or not.) If you want to know your record vs somebody, ask me and I can find it for you. Left column vs top row again.

Week 4 H2H Records ALL

Here is a zoomed in version of everybody’s overall record if they would have played everybody every week as well as actual records. A few things to notice is that Kyle and Bs should be happy to be at 3-1, Kamp is very unlucky at 0-4.

Week 4 H2H

I’ll be posting this update every Tuesday. Hope you like it. If not, shut up.




Playoff Watch: Week 4

It’s a world run by Van Dokkumburgs: Uh Oh.

In the first version of playoff watch this season, we see that Ben remains the only undefeated team remaining in the league, capped by a dominant victory in week for where the fighting Saquan’s put up 212 points. He is joined in first round bye territory by his brother, who has dominated in similar fashion as of late. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Kamp and Jay are still struggling to find their first win, and if the season ended today, would be two losses away from filling out their scantrons on a random Saturday at GR Christian.

Playoff Watch Week 4


Kanzikazee: Week 2

Hey fagbags, I first want to begin this article with a small list of insider information and just things to look out for:

  • Khalil Mack is good and I enjoy watching the bears (very hard for me to admit guys)
  • I like the Browns
  • Blake Bortles is now page 1
  • John Brown will show you all with the help of Joe Flapjacks
  • Kamp awoke Julio (and he’s angry) by trading for AB instead of him
  • Kyle Novack has been bald forever
  • I enjoy hanging out with Bs because he makes me look more attractive
  • I’m a grow’er not a show’er
  • Lopatin is the funniest guy in the league and looks like Ross from friends
  • Ross is not a good character on friends
  • Lopatin is no longer the funniest person in the league

(all facts)

Ok, enough of that, probably going to have to do that every week just to get it out of ye ole system.  Alright, it’s time for the ROAST!!!

  1. Mitchell Trubisky is Average and I Don’t Care Who Knows It!

I know this one is really going to hurt the bears cult we have in the league.  Seriously, what’s wrong with you guys?  Bear worshipers, relax you have a decent team but you still aren’t even top 2 in your 4 team division.  Good for the bears for acquiring an actual game changer in Khalil Mack but Trubisky will keep you guys from accomplishing anything.  Did you guys know that Trubisky signed an autograph for his backup QB on accident?  Whether this was setup or not I hate him because of it.  If he didn’t realize it, he’s the biggest stupid dumb idiot to ever live.  His awareness would be 0 out of 10 in Madden and that’s the guy you want leading your offense? If it was setup, ohh myyy sweet babayyyy rayyyssss I hope Abdominal Obdominal Suh kills him in a violent act on the field.  “How funny would it be if I signed my autograph for my backup?  I’m such a funny boyo.  I’m going to keep doing funny little jokes so people forget how bad I am at actually leading a drive down the field. I’m gay and I think I’m such a sly rapscallion.” (that is a direct quote from Mitchell Trubisky/he’s so weird guys).  I love how he has you all brainwashed that he’s good and I get to play him this week in fantasy.  What a waste of a roster spot and honestly a waste of any more of my time.

I'm curious on two levels

Seriously, don’t get me started, I’m watching, waiting, listening…

(You didn’t think this picture would make it into Kanzikaze?  Are you a butt pirate? Do you suck dillies for a living? This picture is so foookin funny)

2. Is Bs a Real Human or Just Some Make Believe Extremely Average Alien?

Real Boy

You guys thought I went after some silent kiddos last week, but when it comes to Bs we’re dealing with a fucking mime.  I’m almost positive this man hasn’t brought a single thing to the group chat, what a worthless, good for nothing, boner garage.  Bs has so many questions running through my mind:

  • Was or is Bs actually a real thing?
  • Did he used to be real and then he ate too many beefy fritos burritos from taco bell and died?
  • Not a question but this man would buy up to 10 burritos from taco bell in one sitting and store them to eat later
  • Was that the death of him?
  • Did I really see him in Michigan when I visited or were those Margs too big?
  • Did he ever get to try the Nutter Butter Cereal? (highly recommend)
  • Did the Admiral finally end his life? Almost killed me on Spring Break
  • Is B’s team just a second team owned by Lopatin? (lopatin’s actual team is ass)

So many questions swirling around right now, but arguably the most important is: Is Bs just a mirage like horse girl? Better question: are Bs and horse girl related and does he have some inside information that we don’t have?  Holy moses I’m rattled right now.


  1. Who is OD and what does he do?

Question mark

First part of the question I ask myself everyday.  Who names their kid OD anyways? Kinda feel bad for this poor fool.  It’s his first year in the league and he runs his mouth like he started the fuckin thing.  The second part of the question is not an honest question.  Are you kidding me?  He’s a wannabe lawyer in the most expensive school in California (not sure if this is accurate) and he wants everyone to know it.  OD has peaked already and it’s unfortunate because no one cares.  He wants us to care so bad.  OD , we don’t care.  When he isn’t talking about how great his school, studying, and being a lawyer is; he’s guzzling all the bears players cum in his loud mouth.  This kid is probably the biggest Trubisky fan and that’s what annoys me the most.  Everyone in the league loves him but OD probably has a shrine in his room like Helga in HEY ARNOLD! (jiminy crickets that’s a great fuckin reference josh! Thanks guys).  OD is blinded by his love with Trubisky and I’m so happy to collect another free W this week as a result.


(In case you guys are idiots)

  1. Don’t ever forget the draft

You guys are all lucky that OD was here to take all the players I wanted in the draft right before me like Smelly Melly, Mixon, Tate, and Trubisky (I’m kidding this guy is such a fucking poser).  If I would’ve grabbed those guys it would have been even worse for everyone, so everyone say “Thanks OD.” Another reason I’m bothered by this OD character.  Potential rivalry forming here.

In closing, I can barely wait to submit my next couple articles.  If you stupid fucking retards haven’t noticed, I take aim at whoever I’m playing that week.  Please peep my schedule and you will start to feel the excitement.  Fuck making an article, might just write a book or create a whole new website for these prom night dumpster babies.  Anyways, I’m done for now.  You all can go back to saying things like “Da Bears” and “ Trubisky has such a large coch!  I want to suckle on it.” (actual quotes from boys/men only)